Alone in a crowd
I recently got back from visiting Japan. It was my third time out there, and it was amazing. I got to eat some of the best food I have ever had, I happened to meet MGK, and he gave me tickets to go see his show (super cool story), and I crossed the most famous crosswalk on Earth, Shibuya Crossing.
Despite all the amazing things Japan had to offer, I did notice one thing. In a sea of people, I felt a loneliness I didn't expect. How could I feel so isolated in shoulder-to-shoulder foot traffic?
A Japanese public survey reported a striking statistic: 40–48% of the population feels isolated or lonely. That stat is similar to the United States, where 50% feel lonely, and 16% are men.*
This blog does not ignore female loneliness, but I can speak from my own perspective as a man who relates to these statistics. Woman, please feel free to share your thoughts with me!
Why is that?
I am sure many people reading this have their reasons. Maybe it has something to do with different social norms, such as Japan's focus on not inconveniencing the stranger next to them, or the United States' "shut up and get to work" mentality. Maybe it comes from personal trauma, loss, insecurity, or something completely different.
For me, it was the desire to be wanted and accepted by my peers that led me to seek more satisfaction and appreciation from those around me. It wasn't until recently, after purchasing my condo, that I found myself feeling super lonely and unhappy, despite being blessed to own property at my age and at this time. That made me realize I needed to change some things. As in a typical SiS blog, I have a few tricks that have helped me. I would also love your feedback as well!
1. Think outside of yourself.
This may sound counterintuitive, but I noticed that as soon as I became radically interested in other people, the feeling of loneliness began to fade.
It is one thing to take some time to self-reflect or process what you are going through, but being stuck in a cycle where you are the main character not only exhausts your mind but can sometimes make things worse.
Be super interested in others. Ask questions. Learn what is going on in their lives. Remember the things they tell you. I have found that not only do people naturally want to be around you more, but you also become genuinely invested in them. Sometimes getting outside of your own head starts with becoming interested in what is going on inside someone else's.
2. Initiate first.
I think, like most humans, we have a desire to be wanted.
Having friends reach out to you first feels good. When they don't reach out first, I can get the false impression that I would be bothering them if I reached out, that they don't want me around, or that they are making plans without me.
What helped me was setting that insecurity, mixed with a little bit of ego, aside and reaching out first. I found that it not only helped with my first point of being radically interested in others, but it also showed people that I have a desire to connect with them.
Chances are, if you feel that insecurity, someone else does too. Reaching out first may even make their day or make someone feel known. Instead of sitting around wondering why someone hasn't reached out to me, I've tried to become the person who reaches out.
3. Invest in a Real community.
This may sound plainly obvious, but this was something I finally had to come to terms with.
The passing of my best friend (see my "Grief Is a Tax on Love" post) made me really think about the people I was investing in. This was a hard pill to swallow.
It was a mix of trying to fit what Michael and I had into someone else, and thinking I was closer to, or more aligned with, them than I actually was. I would get upset when those people didn't support me the way I thought they should.
It wasn't until I was having a conversation with someone that they said, "Invest in people who invest in you." This really stood out to me. It allowed me to let go of some of my expectations of these people and love them for who they are, while spending more time finding a community that is aligned with my goals and values.
I still hang out with those people. I still care about them. The difference is that now I don't force my expectations onto them. Being able to love people for who they actually are, rather than who I want them to be for me, has been freeing and comforting.
If you are in a situation similar to mine, go find the communities you align with. It frees you from trying to force the connections you think you need.
Loneliness is something that will probably come up in your life. Being able to identify where it is coming from and grounding myself in principles like the ones I mentioned has helped me feel less alone.
I definitely don't have it all figured out, which is why I would love feedback on what helps you—or even if you disagree with me.
Feel free to reach out to me on Instagram @sis.chicago.
Love,
Joshua Woodall
Founder
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